Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage.

I wrote this whilst at lunch on Thursday:

It's lunchtime once again. Today wasn't so bad. I had to inspect a 100-bottle job today. Can you imagine typing in 100 different names, double-checking, pasting 100 labels onto bottles, and scanning them into a bin? And today's a good day. Tomorrow, I overhead, will be a very intense day. I'm gonna die! DIE!

I'm sitting at a new table in the lunchroom, it's close to the window. Outside the sun is heading West, it's against a vibrant blue sky. Flakes of clouds are scattered about. The wind blows the red leaves on a row of trees, they stand out of a lush carpet of green grass. There is a wooden bench sitting firmly on the ground, still against all things fluttering in the wind.

Today I'm having pasta that a family-friend made for us. Next to it I have two fish cutlets, and a piece of salty fish. This is a good lunch!

I was having a bit of an emo day today. I thought a lot about someone in my near-past. I felt that everything she has done, and everything she is doing, is perfectly called-for. She had a difficult time with my family, and an impossible future with me. No one deserved the abuse she got. She only wanted to be loved and included, but my family wouldn't have that. She deserved better. And amidst all this I did jack shit. I just let things slide and sat back passively. I couldn't give her what she wanted. I should've... I could've... I don't blame her, at all. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am. I wish she'll find that happiness soon - if she hasn't found it already. Maybe it's better she isn't speaking with me. She will be happier. She doesn't need my drama. This is what I thought today while labeling bottles.

I'm going to do some cardio today. I might do an 8 km jog again. We'll see, it depends on when I'd get home. I hope my dad cooks something delicious! I want some meat. I want some smoked meat! I think we have fish - bleh. I'm fished out. And I don't want curry meat either. Damn curry, I have it every day.

Man, where are the hotties today? The lunch room's full of married, middle-aged women. The light outside is aging, getting bronze by the minute.

Sometimes I wonder about the future. Okay, I often wonder about the future. Where am I supposed to look? Who will she be? I look into the future and I see darkness. In the past I'd see something, some symbol of what's to come - like Tangerine. But I see nothing now. Maybe this is it. There will be no one else. Maybe I had all my chances and I blew it. Kenny's right - maybe we missed some opportunity in the past. This doesn't feel like where I should be right now. Fuck! I'm turning into Kenny. You know what I'm really scared of? My parents guilting me into marrying someone. Some fobby ugmo. And I'll be too weak to fight. And I'll live the rest of my life with regret and sadness. Maybe I should invest in a gun.

The sun suddenly became harsher. Like it's giving a final blow before it disappears. It's too uncomfortable to sit here.

That was what I wrote two days ago. For the record, I did get home early on Thursday, but I never worked out because one of my best friends called and we talked for hours. It was a conversation that needed to happen. And for the record my dad did cook something delicious - it was a baked whole chicken! My friend on the phone told me not to eat any of it because it's so late into the night, but I did so anyways. Friday was indeed intense, but we got home early because everyone stayed behind to help. As a result of going home early I did an intense workout regiment last night.

I don't want anyone to worry, I'm feeling much differently today (as I was yesterday). Thursday's episode was just that - an episode. I think the repetition of labeling bottles got to me! Haha. On another topic I've come to realize that I should be more weary of posting things related to other people. This is my post for my own personal thoughts, but often I come close to describing my drama with others. And I should be weary of crossing into this territory. As a result I deleted certain sections of a previous post, and I censored a few sentences from what I wrote at work.

As I mentioned I worked out intensely yesterday. I was feeling so lethargic lately, not getting a proper workout to increase my muscle-mass. So yesterday I went all out. It was 2 solid hours of cardio and muscle-conditioning. First I jogged around my basement lightly. Then I put two stools on my path and jumped over them. I then continued this holding a 10 lb weight. I then switched it to a 25 lb weight. Can you imagine continuously jumping over two stools holding a 25 lb weight? It killed my abs. I must've done about 50 jumps. I want to count next time so I know how many I'm doing. This is a great exercise because it forces you to jump, otherwise you'll injure your foot! Then I did my regular pushups and situps. Then I practiced some low kicks and then my newly discovered Axe Kick. Then onto weight training for biceps, triceps, and the bench press. Man, I really felt it in my abs and pecs. I hope this would help my boobies disappear soon. Oh! I also did a new weight training drill for my lats, this should help my punches. And did it end there? Oh no. It's not over til it's over. So I ran on the treadmill for another 20 minutes. I put the "hills" program so the treadmill was simulating elevation. It killed my abs! But I didn't give up. I actually spat at the treadmill after I completed it without giving up. Booyah!

My plan is to continue this intense workout all weekend up to Monday (with Alex's Boot Camp as the finale). Then Tuesday I'll take off for recovery. Today I have MMA, so I'm not sure if I should do anything. Maybe something light. Fuck yeah, I'm not gonna just rest tonight. It's beautifully blue outside. The sun is hidden behind some rain clouds, and it's light is casting a greyish blue on all things outside. Definitely Sahan Weather. I'm feeling well. Ya know, despite everything I've lost, despite all the petty dramas that revolved around me, I didn't do so bad. I'm quite proud of what I've achieved, considering what I had to work with. I like how I look, I can hold my fight, I'm earning more money, and I'm determined to go further.

Thanks Kyoshi. Osu.

Rear Naked Choke.

It feels different not job searching. Having a few minutes free to myself would make me feel guilty for not hunting down enough jobs. I suppose the hunt hasn't ended, but at least I can slow down now to get my priorities straightened out. This job won't pay much, but the money would be very useful right now. I think my parents are in some kind of financial difficulty. I can't be sure, but often I'd see my father stressing over bills in his office, and there was more than a couple of occasions where he asked me for money. It's very unlike him. They money I'm looking to earn in the next month or so will help ease their burdens, which would translate to a happier environment for us all.

Ya know, it occurred to me that a lot of my issues with my mom comes from me being a disappointment in her eyes. I think they praised me a lot growing up, and had high expectations for my graduation. Afterwards when I ended up having no job, and just staying home like a bum, their dreams must've been shattered. I don't think a week passes when I don't explain to my mom why getting an Engineering Degree didn't leave me with a job waiting after graduation. It's as if it doesn't make sense to them. Their equation stated that a great job would await anyone after getting an expensive degree. It all boils down to money. Somehow I think if I had money to appease them my situation with my girlfriends would've been completely different. Fuck.

For the past few weeks I've been stuck in this fitness plateau. It's not so much my weight remaining constant, but rather my fat percentage not decreasing a bit. I've been alternating weeks of muscle building and intense cardio. I've also been very careful with what I eat and how I eat. I've been eating smaller meals now, and at regular intervals. I've been training myself to run longer. The other day -- which was a Tuesday, btw -- I had jogged 8 km nonstop in 50 minutes. The length was a record for me! I was very proud of myself and bragged about it to others. I've also been highly critical of my fighting in MMA. I need to cut out the crap and start making a game plan. I realized that I had no plan to execute. I just go into a grapple and pray for the best. Speaking of grappling, we did a lot of that today. I got many pointers from this fellow who came to our class (he was an older student who took some time off). He showed me the mistake with my neck-choke, and some hints at my neck clinch.

Speaking of MMA like this, it makes me reflect on why I find it so soothing. Kenny put it best, "When you're training for it, or in the ring, all you have is the ring. The ring is now your world. You operate within it, you know the rules, and you do it. Not only is it a challenge, but it's damn comforting to have everything else melt away and only focus on your own little planet."

The ruins of Brampton.

I went for a walk once around my neighbourhood. I passed the lake behind our house and went into a maze of roads. This area was unknown to me so I thought it made for a great adventure. How wrong I was. This was suburbia, at it's worst. It was a labyrinth of houses. Every direction I turned there was a house; pink or brown bricks, with flat facets. They all looked the same. I was suffocated by them. But I kept walking, taking random turns, hoping I can find at least a leaf out of place in this concrete jungle. This reminds me of a Mayan civilization. An outcrop of stone in what was once a forest. I'd think that in a few hundred years, if our civilization becomes extinct, someone will stumble upon this site. This neighbourhood will be a remnant of our lives. As if all this concrete and brick will outlive the flesh and blood of those that lived here. Living, is that what they do here? Because I didn't see a single life in my walk. Just the bricks. I looked at these houses and saw how big they were, how large their lawns were, how they have big porches. What do they use these lawns for? Do they even sit out on their porches? Do they even take notice of their houses, spending so much of their lives indoors?

I thought about this and then how my parents do the exact same thing. This says a lot about their philosophy. They once said, "How can we accept her into our family? She has a different culture, a different religion. How will we communicate with her parents when they see us? What will we talk about?" I think about this statement and how revealing it is of their mentality. It is not about the ninety-nine percent of the time which I will be spending with her, but that one percent of time when they will have the inconvenience of meeting the inlaws. These houses are a physical manifestation of that philosophy. It's not about the ninety-nine percent of the living they will be doing inside the house, but it is about that one-percent of time when their relatives come over and they'll have the fortune of boasting the size of their porch. Hm.