Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage.

I wrote this whilst at lunch on Thursday:

It's lunchtime once again. Today wasn't so bad. I had to inspect a 100-bottle job today. Can you imagine typing in 100 different names, double-checking, pasting 100 labels onto bottles, and scanning them into a bin? And today's a good day. Tomorrow, I overhead, will be a very intense day. I'm gonna die! DIE!

I'm sitting at a new table in the lunchroom, it's close to the window. Outside the sun is heading West, it's against a vibrant blue sky. Flakes of clouds are scattered about. The wind blows the red leaves on a row of trees, they stand out of a lush carpet of green grass. There is a wooden bench sitting firmly on the ground, still against all things fluttering in the wind.

Today I'm having pasta that a family-friend made for us. Next to it I have two fish cutlets, and a piece of salty fish. This is a good lunch!

I was having a bit of an emo day today. I thought a lot about someone in my near-past. I felt that everything she has done, and everything she is doing, is perfectly called-for. She had a difficult time with my family, and an impossible future with me. No one deserved the abuse she got. She only wanted to be loved and included, but my family wouldn't have that. She deserved better. And amidst all this I did jack shit. I just let things slide and sat back passively. I couldn't give her what she wanted. I should've... I could've... I don't blame her, at all. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am. I wish she'll find that happiness soon - if she hasn't found it already. Maybe it's better she isn't speaking with me. She will be happier. She doesn't need my drama. This is what I thought today while labeling bottles.

I'm going to do some cardio today. I might do an 8 km jog again. We'll see, it depends on when I'd get home. I hope my dad cooks something delicious! I want some meat. I want some smoked meat! I think we have fish - bleh. I'm fished out. And I don't want curry meat either. Damn curry, I have it every day.

Man, where are the hotties today? The lunch room's full of married, middle-aged women. The light outside is aging, getting bronze by the minute.

Sometimes I wonder about the future. Okay, I often wonder about the future. Where am I supposed to look? Who will she be? I look into the future and I see darkness. In the past I'd see something, some symbol of what's to come - like Tangerine. But I see nothing now. Maybe this is it. There will be no one else. Maybe I had all my chances and I blew it. Kenny's right - maybe we missed some opportunity in the past. This doesn't feel like where I should be right now. Fuck! I'm turning into Kenny. You know what I'm really scared of? My parents guilting me into marrying someone. Some fobby ugmo. And I'll be too weak to fight. And I'll live the rest of my life with regret and sadness. Maybe I should invest in a gun.

The sun suddenly became harsher. Like it's giving a final blow before it disappears. It's too uncomfortable to sit here.

That was what I wrote two days ago. For the record, I did get home early on Thursday, but I never worked out because one of my best friends called and we talked for hours. It was a conversation that needed to happen. And for the record my dad did cook something delicious - it was a baked whole chicken! My friend on the phone told me not to eat any of it because it's so late into the night, but I did so anyways. Friday was indeed intense, but we got home early because everyone stayed behind to help. As a result of going home early I did an intense workout regiment last night.

I don't want anyone to worry, I'm feeling much differently today (as I was yesterday). Thursday's episode was just that - an episode. I think the repetition of labeling bottles got to me! Haha. On another topic I've come to realize that I should be more weary of posting things related to other people. This is my post for my own personal thoughts, but often I come close to describing my drama with others. And I should be weary of crossing into this territory. As a result I deleted certain sections of a previous post, and I censored a few sentences from what I wrote at work.

As I mentioned I worked out intensely yesterday. I was feeling so lethargic lately, not getting a proper workout to increase my muscle-mass. So yesterday I went all out. It was 2 solid hours of cardio and muscle-conditioning. First I jogged around my basement lightly. Then I put two stools on my path and jumped over them. I then continued this holding a 10 lb weight. I then switched it to a 25 lb weight. Can you imagine continuously jumping over two stools holding a 25 lb weight? It killed my abs. I must've done about 50 jumps. I want to count next time so I know how many I'm doing. This is a great exercise because it forces you to jump, otherwise you'll injure your foot! Then I did my regular pushups and situps. Then I practiced some low kicks and then my newly discovered Axe Kick. Then onto weight training for biceps, triceps, and the bench press. Man, I really felt it in my abs and pecs. I hope this would help my boobies disappear soon. Oh! I also did a new weight training drill for my lats, this should help my punches. And did it end there? Oh no. It's not over til it's over. So I ran on the treadmill for another 20 minutes. I put the "hills" program so the treadmill was simulating elevation. It killed my abs! But I didn't give up. I actually spat at the treadmill after I completed it without giving up. Booyah!

My plan is to continue this intense workout all weekend up to Monday (with Alex's Boot Camp as the finale). Then Tuesday I'll take off for recovery. Today I have MMA, so I'm not sure if I should do anything. Maybe something light. Fuck yeah, I'm not gonna just rest tonight. It's beautifully blue outside. The sun is hidden behind some rain clouds, and it's light is casting a greyish blue on all things outside. Definitely Sahan Weather. I'm feeling well. Ya know, despite everything I've lost, despite all the petty dramas that revolved around me, I didn't do so bad. I'm quite proud of what I've achieved, considering what I had to work with. I like how I look, I can hold my fight, I'm earning more money, and I'm determined to go further.

Thanks Kyoshi. Osu.

1979.

I wrote this during lunch today:

Luuuunch time! Ah, it feels great to get outta there! I am eating some brown rice with chicken, mushrooms, okra, dal, and jackfruit curry. My supervisor wasn't too pleased with me today when I told her I had to go to Martial Arts classes in the evening. That means I'm only doing half an hour of overtime. She looked really disappointed. But I made a choice, to commit to my training, and I can't stop now. I owe Kyoshi too much to give up now. To be honest, I can't wait to see him! Wah, I'm so excited for tonight!

I worked out a lot yesterday, mostly muscle conditioning, but also some cardio. It wasn't enough. I honestly could've gone for another hour (I did 1.5 hours). I stopped because it was getting too late - some freak was waiting online for me. My body feels rigid today, and that's a feeling I missed. I gotta push harder next time. Push it to the limit! Past the point of no return!

I wanna take up guitaring again. Top of the list-of-songs is Simon & Garfunkel. Anything by them, really. I'm gonna be a folk-rock MMA fighter. Part hippie, part killer. Just like Charles Manson.

Why do girls with great butts have awful faces? And why do girls with great faces have awful butts? It seems to be a tradeoff. Oh! Speaking of this, I was bending over to fill up my water bottle when Cute Girl was standing right beside me. I didn't even notice her! I must've been bending over for 30 whole seconds without taking notice. She exudes a weak presence.

The weather outside is so beautiful! It's raining dogs and monkeys! The heavens are pouring forth! Perfect Sahan weather.
Hmm... cute brown girl looking at me, that's twice now. She looks a bit fobby. A bit drama-baggage-ish. Must consider further.

Man, I'm in a good mood today! I dunno what it is.

Booooobiiiiieeeeeesssssss!!!!!!!

For the record, people at work made a big fuss about me leaving early. I pretty much had to apologize to every person so I could pry myself outta there. But it was all worth it. MMA was terrific! I didn't get much of a workout though. I miss cardio kickboxing so much. I hope I don't spiral downwards. At least I get to fight in MMA, that's what's most important.

Today I did my first Axe Kick. Unfortunately it landed right on Frank's head. I just saw him get clonked and stumble backwards. I ran, grabbed his head, and caressed the spot I hit with my heel. I never realized how powerful a kick it was. Then we did some grappling work on the ground. We found a way to get out of the Rear-Naked Choke. I loved it! It worked really well. But the timing has to be just right and the movement fluid. It probably won't work 7 out of 10 times.

Also for the record, the cute brown girl (the new one who was looking at me) had a ring on her finger. So forget that shit.

I want to take some of my Smashing Pumpkins cds to work to listen on the drive. A couple of songs came on this week and I realized how much I missed those guys. Man, it just hits the spot. Right there, aww yeah.

TV.

I wrote this while at lunch:

My plans to workout in the mornings hasn't gone so well. I stay up late after work so I wake up late. I'm going to workout tonight, after work. Is that bad? Nah, a workout's a workout. There's some good news. I checked my body fat percentage and I'm at 18%! This means I've dropped 2-3% in just two weeks! Earlier I was losing fat at a rate of 1% per month. I think it's due to Alex's boot camp regiment. Hmm. Oh, and my weight is at 182 lbs, btw. This means I only lost fat and not muscle.

I'm still thinking about yesterday's meeting. I'm a bit disappointed. I expected more to come out of it. Sigh. I'm not sad, just disappointed. I love my friends though. Thank you for always being there, especially last night.

Man, the lunch room's full of ugmos. Where are the hotties? Where?!! I saw that snobby brown girl earlier. She's the only non-married hot girl in my department. She totally ignored more again. I hope she chokes on that water she got - just a little bit.

Woah, a hot tall girl just walked in -- blugh, nevermind, she just turned around.

I'm doing well at my job. My supervisor was very happy with my progress and told me so. Well, I'm out of time, I guess I should go back. Let's hope something wonderful happens to me tonight.

For the record, I did work out tonight. I first set up an obstacle course around my basement and ran and jumped until I was tired. Then I did an hour of muscle conditioning. Tomorrow I'm planning on leaving early (only doing half an hour of OT) so I could make it to MMA class. I will not give up. Even if my body's tired, I refuse to let my progress slide. This means far too much to me. What I've gained in the dojo is more important than anything else right now.

Also, for the record, something wonderful DID happen to me. I smiled at this really cute girl in another department. She looks Middle-Eastern/ Eastern-European. I hope I can smile at her again tomorrow!

Emocoaster.

I wrote this on my break yesterday.

Where would you go if you wanted to run away? I left to take my lunch - what if I never came back? How long would it take them to realize I'm gone? I won't even have to sneak out. No one even notices me in the lunch room, I could just walk out the exit and run off into the beautiful green fields beyond. I'll live among the birds and the flowers. There are so many colours outside - reds, greens, yellows, and blues. In here everyone is just one colour - grey.

There are two types of women here. The older and uglier women - who are the most social and friendly. And the younger and beautiful girls, who are just snobby jerks! They won't even look at me. Would a smile kill you? Ugh. As for the beautiful social women? They're married. Fuck.

I'm sitting under the TV. It makes it seem that everyone is looking at me. I feel special and wanted! There are too many Filipinos here. Why is it that lab coats cannot be worn in the lunchroom but they're allowed to be worn in the washroom? Rice goes everywhere. My cellphone, on this paper, and even in my bag. Or am I just a messy eater? No, it's the rice. The rice is at fault.

I'm going to hide in the freezer, maybe they won't find me there.