Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage.

I wrote this whilst at lunch on Thursday:

It's lunchtime once again. Today wasn't so bad. I had to inspect a 100-bottle job today. Can you imagine typing in 100 different names, double-checking, pasting 100 labels onto bottles, and scanning them into a bin? And today's a good day. Tomorrow, I overhead, will be a very intense day. I'm gonna die! DIE!

I'm sitting at a new table in the lunchroom, it's close to the window. Outside the sun is heading West, it's against a vibrant blue sky. Flakes of clouds are scattered about. The wind blows the red leaves on a row of trees, they stand out of a lush carpet of green grass. There is a wooden bench sitting firmly on the ground, still against all things fluttering in the wind.

Today I'm having pasta that a family-friend made for us. Next to it I have two fish cutlets, and a piece of salty fish. This is a good lunch!

I was having a bit of an emo day today. I thought a lot about someone in my near-past. I felt that everything she has done, and everything she is doing, is perfectly called-for. She had a difficult time with my family, and an impossible future with me. No one deserved the abuse she got. She only wanted to be loved and included, but my family wouldn't have that. She deserved better. And amidst all this I did jack shit. I just let things slide and sat back passively. I couldn't give her what she wanted. I should've... I could've... I don't blame her, at all. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am. I wish she'll find that happiness soon - if she hasn't found it already. Maybe it's better she isn't speaking with me. She will be happier. She doesn't need my drama. This is what I thought today while labeling bottles.

I'm going to do some cardio today. I might do an 8 km jog again. We'll see, it depends on when I'd get home. I hope my dad cooks something delicious! I want some meat. I want some smoked meat! I think we have fish - bleh. I'm fished out. And I don't want curry meat either. Damn curry, I have it every day.

Man, where are the hotties today? The lunch room's full of married, middle-aged women. The light outside is aging, getting bronze by the minute.

Sometimes I wonder about the future. Okay, I often wonder about the future. Where am I supposed to look? Who will she be? I look into the future and I see darkness. In the past I'd see something, some symbol of what's to come - like Tangerine. But I see nothing now. Maybe this is it. There will be no one else. Maybe I had all my chances and I blew it. Kenny's right - maybe we missed some opportunity in the past. This doesn't feel like where I should be right now. Fuck! I'm turning into Kenny. You know what I'm really scared of? My parents guilting me into marrying someone. Some fobby ugmo. And I'll be too weak to fight. And I'll live the rest of my life with regret and sadness. Maybe I should invest in a gun.

The sun suddenly became harsher. Like it's giving a final blow before it disappears. It's too uncomfortable to sit here.

That was what I wrote two days ago. For the record, I did get home early on Thursday, but I never worked out because one of my best friends called and we talked for hours. It was a conversation that needed to happen. And for the record my dad did cook something delicious - it was a baked whole chicken! My friend on the phone told me not to eat any of it because it's so late into the night, but I did so anyways. Friday was indeed intense, but we got home early because everyone stayed behind to help. As a result of going home early I did an intense workout regiment last night.

I don't want anyone to worry, I'm feeling much differently today (as I was yesterday). Thursday's episode was just that - an episode. I think the repetition of labeling bottles got to me! Haha. On another topic I've come to realize that I should be more weary of posting things related to other people. This is my post for my own personal thoughts, but often I come close to describing my drama with others. And I should be weary of crossing into this territory. As a result I deleted certain sections of a previous post, and I censored a few sentences from what I wrote at work.

As I mentioned I worked out intensely yesterday. I was feeling so lethargic lately, not getting a proper workout to increase my muscle-mass. So yesterday I went all out. It was 2 solid hours of cardio and muscle-conditioning. First I jogged around my basement lightly. Then I put two stools on my path and jumped over them. I then continued this holding a 10 lb weight. I then switched it to a 25 lb weight. Can you imagine continuously jumping over two stools holding a 25 lb weight? It killed my abs. I must've done about 50 jumps. I want to count next time so I know how many I'm doing. This is a great exercise because it forces you to jump, otherwise you'll injure your foot! Then I did my regular pushups and situps. Then I practiced some low kicks and then my newly discovered Axe Kick. Then onto weight training for biceps, triceps, and the bench press. Man, I really felt it in my abs and pecs. I hope this would help my boobies disappear soon. Oh! I also did a new weight training drill for my lats, this should help my punches. And did it end there? Oh no. It's not over til it's over. So I ran on the treadmill for another 20 minutes. I put the "hills" program so the treadmill was simulating elevation. It killed my abs! But I didn't give up. I actually spat at the treadmill after I completed it without giving up. Booyah!

My plan is to continue this intense workout all weekend up to Monday (with Alex's Boot Camp as the finale). Then Tuesday I'll take off for recovery. Today I have MMA, so I'm not sure if I should do anything. Maybe something light. Fuck yeah, I'm not gonna just rest tonight. It's beautifully blue outside. The sun is hidden behind some rain clouds, and it's light is casting a greyish blue on all things outside. Definitely Sahan Weather. I'm feeling well. Ya know, despite everything I've lost, despite all the petty dramas that revolved around me, I didn't do so bad. I'm quite proud of what I've achieved, considering what I had to work with. I like how I look, I can hold my fight, I'm earning more money, and I'm determined to go further.

Thanks Kyoshi. Osu.