Captain America.

I feel happy at this moment. It's due to a mix of soothing music and a realization. The latter I'll get to shortly.

I had a pretty good day. Today I bought two comic for myself and ate some Caribbean food for lunch. I bought a Neil Gaiman comic where he depicts Marvel heroes in the 17th Century. It seemed very interesting and being a Gaiman fan I had to purchase it. The second comic was Captain America. I've been really interested in Captain America lately. I'm not sure why. He lacks any superpowers, and is a rugged, manly hero, much like Batman. But unlike Batman he lacks the complicated mental issues and moral battles. I like how simple and straightforward he is. He's the archetypal hero. He's also iconic. He was created during the latter years of World War II. Almost as a joke, he would come to represent the American will. Even his name was not to be taken seriously. After the War no one really cared for this character, so he disappeared from comics. But they brought him back to life in the 80s or something. They made some story like he was frozen in time and they revived him again. Anyhow, I admire his iconic image. And who could not love his awesome shield? It's indestructible! Reading this comic and listening to my soothing music is making me happy right now. It's moments like this that make me forget about my work.

I hate my work, so I really look forward to these weekends. The past work week was especially difficult for me. A series of e-mails from someone came and threw my mind off balance for a while. In a way I expected this to come. I wrote a poem about this many blog entries ago, and it happened just as I predicted. I was beaten down to the ground, and as I tried to get back up, I was crushed into a pulp. Well, I deserve it. I think what bothered me most is how I never have enough courage -- or maybe skill -- to fight back. I don't know why I don't fight back. I never do when it comes to women. I'm always apologizing, always accepting blame. Maybe because I value friendship at the cost of anything, even my pride. I would do anything to minimize the damage and salvage the friendship. In the end I'm left feeling empty and weak, like a loser. I think that's something that has always bothered me about my past. I always lose every argument. That's something that bothered me about my previous relationship. I'm wrong, even when I know I'm right. I accept defeat. But this builds frustration in my head, and I end up feeling like I missed a chance. I end up feeling like a loser. It results in that low-self-confidence issue which has often plagued me. People take advantage of me, I know this. Maybe I don't want to hurt the people I love. Maybe I don't know enough words? Me no speak English.

During the Spider Man series there was a period where he was transported into a strange universe to fight in an epic battle. This battle would pit the best heroes versus the best villains. It was an ultimate battle to discover who was the best in the universe or something. I never read the comic, but I saw the episodes from the Cartoon. On one side it was Spiderman, Iron Man, X-Men, etc. On the other side it was Dr. Doom, Carnage, Dr. Octopus, the Lizard, etc. It was an epic battle and Spiderman's leadership saw that the good guys won in the end. He was transported once again out of this world and into some limbo dimension where Madam Webb explained everything to him. But the onus of it was that he could not tell anyone about this war. Once he's returned back into his normal life his memory would be erased, as will all the other superheros' and villains'. This would be known as the Secret Wars.

None of my friends knew of the series of e-mails that took place that week. It was my own Secret War. I wanted to fight it myself. To be honest, I didn't think it would turn out badly as it did. I know I'm the type to often lament and pour out all my feelings in a lengthy blog entry, but I wanted to keep silent during that time. It was only after a week had passed that I told anyone of it.

... She's like an immovable wall. But I tried my best.

Oh, as for that realization I spoke of earlier: I realize that I'm quite blessed, in many ways. I have a sound mind free from many mental problems others suffer from. I have a functioning body free of any diseases, disabilities, or other ailments. My family is alive and well, which cannot be said about every other family. I have great friends who love me and take me out to do things I would not otherwise do! I have my trusty steed (the Volvo). I have my strength and determination, which keeps me going even through the worst. Just like Captain America! Um, where was I? So I feel blessed that I have my lot in life. It's not much, and I could complain, but it could be a lot worse. And I could struggle to achieve what I have now, with a lot less. Despite all this shit I complain about, I feel lucky to be me.